Consumer Testing: no. 1 in an occasional series

A "Travel Pussy", recently.

As a public service, I have decided to "road-test" a series of consumer durables, in order that you, the denizens of this cyber-strand, can make informed purchase decisions; I try, you buy, so to speak.

PRODUCT: The Travel Pussy.

PURPOSE: The product appears to be aimed at business travellers abroad who, having retired to their hotel room after consuming a certain amount of alcohol and discovered that their television incorporates a pornographic strand with a ten-minute "free view" facility, wish to engage in sexual activity; but whom are either too parsimonious, too reticent, or too afraid of infection to hire the services of a so-called "sex worker", whilst simultaneously not wishing to submit themselves to the more regular forms of manual stimulus.

CONTENTS OF PACKAGE:

- 1 bio-degradable plastic bag

- 1 sachet of lubricating gel

- 1 box, featuring a mildly erotic illustrative image on the obverse, and user's instructions on the reverse

REQUIRED EXTRAS (NOT INCLUDED):

- water

- one male reproductive organ (tumescent)

EASE OF USE: The product is easy to assemble for even the novice, the plastic bag is simply filled with water, in the manner of the disposable "cool bags" which are filled with water and placed in the freezer. However, because the bag is double-walled, filling it with water forms a sleeve. 

Serving suggestion.

The gel is then squeezed into the sleeve and around the periphery of the tumescent organ; the organ is then inserted into the sleeve and oscillated to taste. Once usage is complete, the bag may be snipped to drain  away the water, then disposed of in domestic waste, or it could possibly be washed out for re-use if one is of a parsimonious nature.

 

BENEFITS:

- much cheaper than engaging the services of a painted lady, unless one resorts to consorting with the heroin-addicted

- no danger of infection, unwanted pregnancy, or career-threatening blackmail

- no recourse to inconsequential, stilted "small-talk" is necessary

- ease of disposal; one certainly could not dispose of a painted lady in the same manner, unless one were a deviant who should be likely to be sentenced to multiple consecutive life sentences in gaol

DRAWBACKS:

- a certain lack of authenticity in the perceived sensation

- the "sloshing" noises generated by the sinusoidal movement of water within the bag as the member is oscillated within put one in mind of an overweight partner who has consumed a large amount of beer, wine, and sulphurous Indian cuisine prior to the event

- the crushing effect to one's self-esteem, post-coitus, when one realises that one has just purchased a plastic bag with the express intent of ejaculating into it

CAVEATS:

- the bag should be filled with warm water; filling with cold water does diminish the sensation somewhat, (except, perhaps, for necrophiliacs), whilst filling with hot water could result in one having to concoct some rather unconvincing explanation for one's injuries at the local Accident and Emergency department

- the lubricant should be equally distributed between the organ and the bag; placing all of the gel on one or the other can cause problems during usage.

OVERALL RATING: 7 (seven) out of 10.

AVAILABILITY: the product can be purchased in "Condomats" (vending machines) in many parts of Western Germany, for around €4. Please note that the product does not come in brown.

Can others provide anecdotal evidence of their experiences with this product?