"Guido Fawkes"; the unacceptable face of blogging

 

A twat, recently.

Interesting developments today at the Leveson Inquiry into the methods, moral and ethics of the media, as a Mr. Paul "Semen" Staines was ordered to appear before Lord Justice Leveson on Thursday morning (1 December 2011), in order to explain just how he managed to acquire the witness statement of Mr. Alastair Campbell, three days before its official publication, which he then uploaded onto his "blog" entitled "Order, Order", published under his assumed identity of "Guido Fawkes".

These developments gave me cause for grave concern. Not because I am particularly concerned about witness testimony being compromised by the actions of this individual, but because sections of the press printed graphic pictures of him, which could serve to confirm the suspicions of those who typecast so-called "bloggers" as fat, porcine-featured, greasy pederasts with a slice of Domino's Pizza in one hand and their semi-tumescent penises in the other, trousers round their ankles and crusty socks scattered all around their bedsits.

I am extremely perturbed at being tarred with the same brush, if you will, as this self-important right-wing "Spoilt Bastard" lookalike, particularly as I do not indulge in pizza and have undergone considerable personal sacrifice recently to become slim again. This fat, obnoxious, publicity-seeking, pissant waste of oxygen is going to get all bloggers a bad name.

I do so wish he had sought to maintain his anonymity. Particularly as he has a face that one should never tire of punching. Hard.

Do others hope that his adventures in "blogging" are brought to an abrupt halt by his arrest and subsequent conviction for contempt of court?

Gary Speed, MBE

 

Gary Speed, MBE, 1969-2011.

Gentleman, Evertonian, Legend.

No more to be said than that, really.






 

A mother's intuition

 

One wonders if Princess Margaret ever found herself in similar circumstances to mine?

Ahhh, mothers. When we are young, and foolish, we convince ourselves that we possess all of the world's wisdom, and that hoodwinking one's parents is as simple a task as sneezing. However, this is emphatically not the case, particularly not in the case of one's mother, who has all-powerful intuition, seemingly to the point of  omnipotence as she knows your every thought, move and wish. She knows exactly who took the last Jaffa Cake from the biscuit tin; she knows that you did not bother to turn up for school this morning; and, make no mistake, she certainly knows that the edges of your bedsheets which you tuck under the mattress did not acquire their stiff, crusty state due to your sinuses producing excess mucus during "a heavy cold".

No, she knows this stuff because she carried you for nine months, put baby powder on your winkle, and has watched you develop every single mannerism you affect. In short, she knows you inside out. To illustrate this, I shall relate an attempt of mine to deceive my mother in order to assuage my own embarrassment, at an age where I should certainly have known better, which was comprehensively usurped.

One dark, dank Saturday afternoon, I travelled back to my birthplace in order to take in a game of association football between The Everton Football Club Company Limited and The Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, me supporting the former and a dear friend of mine supporting the latter. After having deposited a small overnight bag at my parent's house, where I would be laying my weary head some time later, I met my friend for a few pre-game palliatives, in order to calm the nerves before the fixture. We continued to imbibe our medicine during the game, a drab affair which, as I recall, resulted in a 0-0 stalemate.

In order to cast the grim spectacle we had witnessed to the scrapbook of less than golden memories, we repaired into the centre of "town" and applied yet more medication, as prescribed by Dr. Arthur Guinness of Dublin, at an established known colloquially as "The Big House". At around 10pm, my companion was stricken by a sudden attack of not being able to feel his legs anymore, and decided that (discretion being the best part of valour) he should embark upon his epic voyage back to the Wirral. I, on the other hand, still had a little time to kill, and put away two more pints of Guinness before the start of my odyssey to my parent's house, feeling ever so slightly the worse for wear.

Things went smoothly at first. However, not long after I alighted from the train, the station being a walk of around a mile from my eventual destination, I suddenly discerned the symptoms of insistent peristalsis. I shook my head, reminded myself that I could seek the sanctuary of a familiar water closet just ten short minutes later.

Five short minutes later, I was in agony, in much the same manner as I imagine a woman to be in the throes of imminent childbirth. I had to "go", there and then, otherwise I should completely besmirch my denims, for which I had brought no replacements. Circumstances, however, mitigated against this, given that I was on a wide, very-well lit suburban street, with large, occupied residences on either side. There was, seemingly, no cover to be had. So I did not really seek any; I just lowered my trousers, squatted onto my haunches, and pushed out copious amounts of a  pungent, impacted, clay-like substance onto the pavement.

Now, I am sure that I am not alone in this; but whenever in the act of defecation, I also urinate as a reflex action. I imagine that is familiar to you all. This occasion was no different; indeed, given my liquid intake over the course of the past ten or eleven hours, there was something of a deluge. Into my trousers, into my underwear, and all over my socks. My only saving grace in all of this was that, miraculously, I was completely alone on this well-lit, wide suburban street. There was nary a soul about to witness my misfortune and concomitant embarrassment. So, having jettisoned my payload, I casually hitched up my breeches and sauntered home, feeling the effects of desquamation around the upper thighs due to the excess water content of the trousers.

When I got back to my parent's house, they were (thankfully) well and truly in the land of Nod. With sheer jungle cunning, and drawing on my years of self-sufficiency in matters of domesticity, I took off my trousers, briefs and socks, popped them into the washing machine, dispensed the appropriate measures of detergent and fabric conditioner, selected the quick wash programme, set the machine in motion, and toddled off to bed, feeling smug at my having got away with another fine mess.

The next morning dawned bright and sunny, yet breezy; perfect drying weather, if you will. I arose at around 10am, feeling the effects of self-imposed "flu-like" symptoms. My mother,  having awoken some considerable time before me, had discovered the contents of the washing machine, and took it upon herself to peg out the items to dry.

"I've put them out for yer", she said, in a slightly haughty manner I thought. I instantly knew that a degree of uncomfortable questioning was to follow.

"Why did yer put them in the wash last night?"

Obviously, to have admitted to the actual circumstances behind my impromptu laundering would have been terribly embarrassing for me, and would almost certainly have brought opprobrium and reproach upon me (not to mention being telegraphed to my siblings in very short order for their delectation and amusement). So, with what I considered to be impeccable criminal inspriation, I related the tale of how, just before I left the public house to return to my parents, I had contrived to spill a full pint on Guinness onto my lap, and had had to pop the trousers (and everything else) into the wash for the next day.

"Oh, right..." A pregnant pause... "So how did yer manage to get dog shit all up the back of yer boots?"

And thus, the lie was punctured. I never did admit the truth, but frankly there is no need to so do. She knows.

Have others had bullshit deflated by their dear mothers in a similar fashion?

Bill Kenwright Presents.. Dynamite, Redux; a farce in several parts

 

Mr. Ian Ross assumes his "new role within the club". 

THE CAST

Mr. Ian Ross (aka "HICDUK"): Head of Media & Communications at The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. Robert Elstone: Chief Executive Officer, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. Mark Rowan: Head of Media & Communications, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. Dave Biggar: Commercial Director, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. Martin Evans: Head of Finance/Company Secretary, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. David Harrison: Head of Football Operations/Club Secretary, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. Andy Ward: Head of Ticketing, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Ms. Denise Barrett-Baxendale: Chief Executive, Everton In The Community

Mr. Graeme Sharp: Supporter Liaison Officer, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Ms. Michelle Mitchell: Retail, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Ms. Jacqui Benson: Secretary to Mr. William Kenwright CBE at The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. William Hanrahan: former journalist turned public relations consultant, friend of "HICDUK"

Mr. Colin Bates: US-based businessman, shadowy potential investor in The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Ms. Emily Dallas: Personal Assistant to Mr. William Kenwright CBE at Bill Kenwright Limited

Mr. Jon Woods: unknown capacity, The Everton Football Club Company Limited

Mr. William Kenwright, CBE: himself

 ,

ACT I ~ "The Betrayal" ~ In which Mr. Ian Ross impugns the reputation of his superior within and without The Everton Football Club Company Limited, and attacks a well-known group of malcontented supporters of said institution...

From Ian Ross

From: Hicduk

To: denise.barrett-baxendale ; martin.evans ; david.harrison

Date: Wed, 17 Aug 2011 22:04

If ever you required conclusive proof that he HAS lost it and that he IS unfit to lead etc etc...here it is....rambling, incoherent nonsense.........at a time when we are in financial meltdown

From: Robert Elstone (Everton)

Sent: 17 August 2011 17:17

To: Dave Biggar (Everton); Mark Rowan (Everton); Andy Ward (Everton); Michelle Mitchell (Everton); Ian Ross (Everton)

Cc: Jacqui Benson (Everton); Graeme Sharp (Everton)

Subject: Fan Letters

Guys

Every now and again, prompted by seeing letters on desk and in pigeon holes, I wonder about who initially receives and opens letters addressed to ‘Everton Football Club’, or ‘The Board’ or ‘To Complaints’ or The Fan Liaison officer or ‘Marketing’, who/how is it decided where they go? Who then reads these inbound letters? (haven’t even thought about email or phone), and who looks to see if there’s anything we ought to know / or can learn and how that gets shared and passed on to the right people, who’s responding, and is that response ‘as we’d all want it to be’.

I’ve no reason to suggest it isn’t done well but I’d like to understand the process.As I said, I get some. I’ve just seen one in Michelle’s pigeon hole addressed to my saying we’re a disgrace because we don’t sell pennants – I didn’t get that one, I saw some on Graeme’s desk....etc

I just like to understand how the mailbag – which must be bigger than usual – is dealt with including how we all learn from any constructive feedback?

I get regular ones about why do we see LFC ads everywhere and not us....these might come to be, to Fan Centre, to Marketing etc....I would answer if it came to me and maybe I shouldn’t? Would Marketing answer?

If we do have a single point of contact for all, then we should stick to this, including email but we must share learnings and responses..

Robert

========================================================================

From: Hicduk hicduk@aol.com

To: William_hanrahan

Date: Thu, 18 Aug 2011 8:21

Hi,

Delete this once you have digested, shaken your head repeatedly and then groaned.......

The Club is facing financial meltdown.....in my naivety I have always assumed that the man at the top should be busying himself with the hunt for money ( short and long-term ).

This is an example of where he is at....where his head is at.......he is all over the place.....he is, I believe, suffering some form of breakdown......we are swamped with stuff like this on a daily basis.....non-sensical rubbish which wastes valuable time and which leaves us all in despair.

Just quickly on the Blue Union firestorm.....I spent three months telling RE he MUST keep the militants out of the Club.....then, two weeks ago, he went behind my back and met them...but he didn't even have the courtesy/balls to tell me....he then ( astonishingly ) recommends that Bill meets them....again, all behind my back...Bill meets them...they secretly tape the meeting ( as I would have told him they would had someone kept me in the loop )....the result? A 3000 word verbatim piece on the Blue Union website which makes Bill ( and, indeed, all of us ) look VERY stupid....Bill is mortified.....it's a joke.......delete and ring later

From: Robert Elstone (Everton)

Sent: 17 August 2011 17:17

To: Dave Biggar (Everton); Mark Rowan (Everton); Andy Ward (Everton);

Michelle Mitchell (Everton); Ian Ross (Everton)

Cc: Jacqui Benson (Everton); Graeme Sharp (Everton)

Subject: Fan Letters

Guys

Every now and again, prompted by seeing letters on desk and in pigeon

holes, I wonder about who initially receives and opens letters addressed to

‘Everton Football Club’, or ‘The Board’ or ‘To Complaints’ or

The Fan Liaison officer or ‘Marketing’, who/how is it decided where

they go? Who then reads these inbound letters? (haven’t even thought

about email or phone), and who looks to see if there’s anything we ought

people, who’s responding, and is that response ‘as we’d all want it

to be’.

I’ve no reason to suggest it isn’t done well but I’d like to

understand the process.

As I said, I get some. I’ve just seen one in Michelle’s pigeon hole

addressed to my saying we’re a disgrace because we don’t sell pennants

– I didn’t get that one, I saw some on Graeme’s desk....etc

I just like to understand how the mailbag – which must be bigger than

usual – is dealt with including how we all learn from any constructive

feedback?

I get regular ones about why do we see LFC ads everywhere and not

us....these might come to be, to Fan Centre, to Marketing etc....I would

answer if it came to me and maybe I shouldn’t? Would Marketing answer?

If we do have a single point of contact for all, then we should stick to

this, including email but we must share learnings and responses..

Robert

====================================================================

ACT II ~ "Suspicion" ~ In which Hicduk is fired up by the scent of rebellion in the air, but is counselled by his close friend to be cautious...

From: HICDUK > HICDUK@aol.com

To: william_hanrahan

Date: Sat, 20 Aug 2011 18:34

Evening,

Ah - the joys of living precisely 2.7 miles from Goodison...........home inside 10 minutes.

We need more caution .........it is like working in a kindergarten at the moment......Bill pulled me as he was leaving to say "You were seen talking to Will and Jon twice today - what was all that about?"....talk about paranoia....

I pointed out that I have known you for 35 years plus and that Jon is a Director - and that I speak to both of you each and every time I see you.......Bill senses conspiracy everywhere at the moment........God only knows why

So, it must be even more hush-hush...............may be better if Jon and I talk on phone ( if he wants to that is ).

Happy to help - but need to protect myself etc...

Stay cool

Ian

============================================================

hicduk@aol.com

Evening....it got worse...much worse today......

Sent using BlackBerryR from Orange

-----Original Message-----

From: Will Hanrahan

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2011 21:41:37

To:

Subject: Re: I Ross esq

Your friend Robert, is no friend of EFC.

On 23/08/2011, hicduk@aol.com wrote:

Really? About?

Sent using BlackBerryR from Orange

------Original Message------

From: Will Hanrahan

To: hicduk@aol.com

Subject: Re: I Ross esq

Sent: 23 Aug 2011 22:49

Sadly, I know.

-----Original Message-----

From: Will Hanrahan

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2011 06:43:51

To:

Subject: Re: I Ross esq

Can't say. Sorry.

-----Original Message-----

From: hicduk@aol.com [mailto:hicduk@aol.com]

Sent: 24 August 2011 07:30

To: Will Hanrahan

Subject: Re: I Ross esq

No problem

It's just that something did happen y'day - and I wondered if we were talking about the same thing...

Cheers

Sent using BlackBerryR from Orange

-----Original Message-----

From: "will hanrahan"

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2011 07:52:26

To:

Subject:RE: I Ross esq

Sorry, the stuff I was helping with yesterday was not at the 'Liverpool ‘end of the operation.

This much is clear to me...Robert is thought of very, very highly by our chairman. My advice to you is to assume he will be there as long as Bill is chairman, so try to get a working relationship!

On 24/08/2011, hicduk@aol.com wrote:

We have a working relationship - problem being (well, one of them) he has no professional respect for any of his senior staff....there's no-one left who believes he is capable etc...It’s not only sad and unpleasant – I genuinely believe it to be dangerous / damaging for the Club.

When the rebellion comes, it will come from the inside - and with what's been happening, I don't think that's too far away.

Have a good day....

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Re: I Ross esq

From: Will Hanrahan

To: hicduk

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2011 8:58

You too.

=========================================================

ACT III ~ "Forget About The Pricetag" ~ In which a potential investor comes calling to answer the prayers of Mr. William Kenwright CBE; that is, until Hicduk tells him the price...

From: Colin Bates

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2011 07:28:41 -0700 (PDT)

To: HICDUK_aol.com

ReplyTo: Colin Bates

Subject: New Orleans Calling.

How have you been. I see the woes continue after reading Bill's interviews. What amount is he looking for?

From: "hicduk@aol.com"

To: Colin Bates

Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 10:01 AM

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

Hi mate

How's things?

How much do we need? For a full takeover or to keep Moyes happy?

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange From: Colin Bates

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2011 08:04:27 -0700 (PDT)

To: hicduk@aol.com

ReplyTo: Colin Bates

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

I guess that would be a longer conversation but high wide is that divide.

From: "hicduk@aol.com"

To: Colin Bates

Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 10:10 AM

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

We need money - short and long-term...why do you ask?

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

From: Colin Bates

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2011 08:19:04 -0700 (PDT)

To: hicduk@aol.com

ReplyTo: Colin Bates

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

It is always of interest but just wanted to know how much the situation may have changed before I would be able to know. Timing maybe better today than before but the financial scope may have overtaken me.

From: "hicduk@aol.com"

To: Colin Bates

Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 10:36 AM

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

Well, it depends what you\'d be looking to do really...of course we need investment....in short-term we need money before transfer window closes - and to appease the Bank.

Things are tighter than they have ever been....

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

From: Colin Bates

Date: Tue, 23 Aug 2011 08:54:49 -0700 (PDT)

To: hicduk@aol.com

ReplyTo: Colin Bates

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

What expansion plans are being discussed to increase cash flow. Would these funds silence the bank and not be used to strengthen the squad.

What price is the 25% shareholding now and what short term amount are we talking about.

From: "hicduk@aol.com"

To: Colin Bates

Sent: Tuesday, August 23, 2011 11:23 AM

Subject: Re: New Orleans Calling.

25 per cent would probably now cost upwards of 25m

It\'s well-documented that we must sell a player (or two ) this month...

Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Re: New Orleans Calling.

From: Colin Bates

To: hicduk

Date: Wed, 24 Aug 2011 1:16

Quite a jump from last time. I am very much out of the loop so perhaps we can catch up on the phone

===========================================================

ACT IV ~ "The Art of War" ~ In which Hicduk attempts to get medieval on the asses of The Blue Union, in his bosses' name, only for said boss to baulk at the prospect and suggest "jaw jaw" instead of "war war"...

From: HICDUK@aol.com [mailto:HICDUK@aol.com]

Sent: 07 September 2011 18:06

To: Emily Dallas (Kenwright)

Cc: Robert Elstone (Everton); Mark Rowan (Everton)

Subject: from Ian Ross

All,

Attached is a 1000 word piece ( in Robert\'s name ) addressing the Blue Union statement issued today....yes, it is hard-hitting...yes, it will ruffle many feathers.......

Ian

“I read with astonishment bordering on bewilderment this morning’s statement by the “Blue Union“, the umbrella name for an alliance of four internet-based supporters’ groups who – quite wrongly in my opinion – seem intent on giving the distinct impression that they speak for each and every Evertonian.

The implication seemed to be that this club’s Board of Directors has, in some way, been attempting to deceive its fan-base over the past three years with regard to its oft-declared intent to secure new and substantial investment.

I say this because by stating that the Club should immediately seek to appoint a “fully autonomous group of professional individuals“ to help effect a change of ownership the implication is, in my opinion, two-fold – firstly that our current Board of Directors is, in some way, unprofessional, and secondly that determined efforts are not – indeed, have not – been made to in recent times to secure the level of investment which will materially transform this Club’s fortunes in both the short and the long-term.

As Bill Kenwright has stated on more occasions than any of us inside Goodison Park can remember – a majority shareholding in Everton Football Club is for sale. That has been the case for three years – and it will remain the case until such a time as someone steps forward with something more substantial and tangible than fine words and empty promises.

The notion that Bill and his fellow Board members – Jon Woods, Robert Earl and Sir Philip Carter – are involved in some form of protracted, elaborate hoax designed to dupe our supporters into believing the Club is up for sale when, in fact, it isn’t, is not only totally ridiculous but highly insulting to men who – trust me – work tirelessly for Everton without salaries, without expenses…without remuneration of any kind.

So, let me make this crystal-clear to those who seem intent on dragging this great Club’s name through every available patch of mud – we continue to seek the right person to move us forwards on an hourly basis…not a weekly basis…not a monthly basis…no, on an hourly basis.

The “Blue Union“ repeatedly tells us that it will always continue to support both manager and team and that it urges “all Evertonians to cheer our team to victory.“

If that is, indeed, the case – and I don’t doubt the passion of their members for one, single moment – why organise a public march and demonstration shortly before a key Premier League fixture when, clearly, such a display of disunity and fragmentation is the very last thing the manager and the players would want?

Why, when we should all be pulling together –in the same direction – to help “cheer our team on to victory“ would they wish to engage in a display of negativity which can only damage morale ?

What, precisely, is the purpose of this march and demonstration? The “Blue Union“ statement says it is to promote the concept of allowing me, the Club’s CEO, to be “left to concentrate“ on a variety of tasks including reducing costs and developing revenue streams.

Well let me tell you those are tasks I undertake each and every day – not in isolation but with the help and invaluable support of those very Board members the “Blue Union“ seems to be insinuating are, in some way, either holding me back or interfering with set and established business processes.

The truth is, I have the most hands-on and most dedicated Chairman in English football – a man whom I speak to first thing in the morning, last thing at night…and countless times in-between.

Since I took over as CEO in XXXX I have done everything in my power to strengthen and improve the day-to-day working relationship between supporters and Club - in fact, many have called it my obsession.

Hand-on-heart, I do believe that things HAVE improved dramatically and I can confidently say that none of our Premier League contemporaries can boast a better record of engagement and facilitation.

However, I am simply not prepared to sit back and have what I still believe to be a small minority within what is a loyal, dedicated and highly-knowledgeable fan-base repeatedly call into question the integrity of this Club’s Directors.

Maybe I should avoid clichés but I have to say – be careful what it is you wish for. Would those who now, quite clearly, seek a change of administration want the current custodians to hand control over to the first person who is prepared to sign a cheque?

The supporters of other clubs – notably West Ham United, Portsmouth and Birmingham City - argued for just that scenario. The footballing Gods granted their wishes and they are now playing their football outside of the promised land of the world’s greatest league.

Some would have us believe that the last few years have been catastrophic…failure piled upon failure. Not true. Our average League placing since 2001 has been between eighth and ninth. In the decade before that, it was 14th.

Supporters have every right to analyse, to comment, to complain, to vote with their feet, to band together and to criticise; that is human nature and it is understandable.

When we fall short (as we invariably do on occasions) we expect that criticism – but we always attempt to use it as a catalyst for change, for improvement, for betterment.

If Saturday’s proposed march and demonstration is designed to deliver a message to the Board, to the Club, that the search for fresh investment must not simply continue but must be accelerated then it is pointless – because those charged with the responsibility for securing that investment are in total and absolute agreement – and they don’t need reminding of that fact just 60 minutes before a senior fixture.

As a Club, we have had our disagreements with the “Blue Union“ – notably over its abhorrent decision to secretly record what was a private meeting with Bill Kenwright – but I feel I must reiterate that we have always encouraged frank and open dialogue…we just don’t believe the correct arena for such a debate is the middle of a street on a match-day.

The “Blue Union“ statement ends with the words : “It’s time for protest“.

Actually, I think it’s time to stand together – to cheer our team on to victory. “

Robert Elstone

CEO

From: Robert Elstone (Everton)

Sent: 07 September 2011 18:57

To: IR; Emily Dallas (Kenwright)

Cc: Mark Rowan (Everton)

Subject: RE: from Ian Ross

Ian

Whilst there’s bits I like, there plenty of stuff I don’t and it’s not how I say it... They’re not saying we haven’t tried to sell. They’re not saying we hand over to the first person waving a cheque. They’re saying we’ve failed and there’s a better way. Of course, their better way isn’t a better way.

For me, we have really risen to the bait. It’s too much and we patronise them. As you know, this is what I said an hour ago We’ve been asked to come up with a plan.

It was felt the plan should use others to say what we want to be said. We know they’re accusing us of stagnation and they want the Board removing. They are or they may be influencing the fringes and they are causing us damage. This might be low hundreds it might be more. Either way, I hope we agree we should fight it.

What came back was a plan that had me on the radio and in the paper along with BK and Martin Samuel, and the Manager. That didn’t feel right.

We agreed we would start work taking as much heat out of this as we can, as soon as we can...

We will continue that post march and if the march is big we counter it will more efforts.

The people who can say good things about us include (and you know these far better than me):

? Friendly journalists including the Echo who know they owe us

? Radio show hosts Parry, Durham, Gray, Snodin

? Unofficial websites Durkins and others you know well...

? Certain fans

? Former players

? Supporters Club leaders Sweeney, Lyon, and many others who we’ve given a lot to...

? Industry commentators Cannon etc

? And I’m sure others

My view is we should be speaking to all of these, over the next 24 hours on the ridiculous notion of stagnation and the futility of removing the Board...we have league tables, awards, Academy and a list of business successes to point to.

Even if the above don’t go public, they simply talk to mates, it will help.

From: Mark Rowan (Evertonmark.rowan@evertonfc.com

To: Robert Elstone (Everton) ; IR ; Emily Dallas

(Kenwright)

Date: Wed, 7 Sep 2011 19:21

Robert

Further to the emails this evening and on the basis we will not use the piece drafted by Ian, we plan the following over the next 48 hours and will supplement with additional content from Everton supporters. This will be done through some of the channels identified below. However, part of the challenge is ensuring our credibility so will not be able to put through Club media and some of the unofficial channels. I have discussed with Ian and will keep all updated.

Thursday

Tim Cahill on a Club not stagnating and importance

Andy Gray (pitched) - importance on bringing through young players, how unrest can be counter productive.

Fan blog speaking up for the silent majority

Friday

Chairman piece in Daily Mail

Manager press conference where he will be asked about stagnation issue and Saturday protest

Regards

Mark

=====================================================

EPILOGUE

The above emails were culled, by persons unknown, from Mr. Ian Ross's personal email address. It is not yet known whether Mr. Ross was careless with his precautions around his personal email, or whether he was betrayed by one of his confidants. Either way, when the text was made public in the late evening on November 17th, 2011, a shit-storm ensued.

The Everton Football Club Company Limited launched "an urgent investigation" into the leak; quite how a company can investigate a "leak" emanating from a email system which did not belong to them is a matter of conjecture. Speculation mounted that Mr. Ian Ross had been dismissed; this turned into speculation that he had been suspended pending further enquiries.

In fact, The Everton Football Club Company Limited did neither: they issued a statement deploring the actions of whomsoever leaked the information (aww, bless the poor little victims!), and announced that Mr. Ross would be taking up an exciting new role within the club shortly. This, apparently, had been planned for some time and had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with his accusing the CEO of his company of incompetence and mental instability, or accusing the chairman of his company of paranoia, or plotting the overthrow of the management structure of his company from within, or for attacking well-meaning supporters who merely wished their voice to be heard.

I have a feeling that this farce, brought to you by Mr. William Kenwright CBE, will run and run.

Incidentally, The Blue Union are holding a second protest march prior to The Everton Football Club Company Limited's fixture versus Wolverhampton Wanderers tomorrow, November 19, 2011. 2pm, if you are interested.

Did others applaud this wonderful Bill Kenwright Production as much as I?

Dynamite

Strike a pose, there's nothing to it...

I contain herein a Universal Resource Locator, or URL. It shall remain there for as long as the content does.

If and when the content therein is removed, as I suspect it surely will be over the next 48 hours or so, I shall post the content here, as I have retained a copy for my personal amusement.

You are all being taken for a ride

Do others sense a slight faux pas by somebody who surely should know better?

Happy Birthday to me, and all that tra la la

A completely non-related number, recently.

Today is my birthday. I "celebrated" in style, enduring another day of pointless tedium at my place of employment, and wondered where it all went wrong, not for the first time.

On the day that I was born, Mr. Edward Brooke, the former Attorney General of Massachusetts, became the first Afro-American to be elected to the United States Senate; if that appeared to represent progress, it was surely balanced out by the election of a Mr. Ronald Reagan, a chimpanzee-fucking B-movie actor, as Govenor of California on the same day. Also that day, by Presidential decree, Lyndon Baines Johnson signed into law an antitrust exemption to allow the National Football League to merge with the American Football League, thus paving the way for the American television networks to be peppered with advertisements across the weekend and on Monday nights, with a few seconds of heavily padded men wearing helmets bumping into each other in between.

In "real" football, The Everton Football Club Company Limited, holders of the Football Association's Challenge Cup trophy,  were handily placed in second (2nd) place in the English First Division following an impressive 2-1 win away at The Sheffield Wednesday Football Club Company Limited. However, on the day I was born they were about to suffer a disappointing 0-2 reverse in the first leg of their second round tie away at Real Zaragoza. The "mighty Blues" went out of the competition on aggregate two weeks later after only managing a 1-0 win in the return leg at Goodison Park, a stadium which had recently hosted World Cup group games, and which was in no way said by the incumbent chairman to be in danger of failing to obtain its safety certificates. 

The Everton Football Club Company Limited also ran its business at a profit, had an impressive figurehead in the shape of Sir John Moores of the Littlewoods pools and retail empire, and was able to attract some of the top players in the game, such as Mr. Little Curly Alan Ball, holder of a World Cup winner's medal, who turned down a move to The Manchester United Football Club Company Limited in order to ply his trade at Goodison Park. Just like somebody of the ilk of Mr. Wayne Rooney would today, obviously.

Number one in the United Kingdom's "Hit Parade" was occupied by this popular beat combo, with this wonderfully syncopated disc.

 

Today's chart is topped by a gentleman by the name of "Professor Green", who should indeed have been murdered by Colonel Mustard, in the Lounge, with the revolver.

UK unemployment was around 2.5% of the workforce. It currently lies at 8.1%.  A "consultant" was somebody who explained to you why you needed a hip replacement operation, and gave you an indication of when the hospital would be able to perform same; now a "consultant" is somebody who works for an accountancy firm who produce reams of spreadsheets to demonstrate that the deficit of the health trust is such that all operations have to be cancelled, and that the hospital must indeed close as part of a rationalization exercise, before submitting a seven-figure invoice to said trust.

Whilst in those days the biggest worry was fat old men in suits destroying the planet via the means of a thermonuclear holocaust, today the biggest worry is fat greedy old men in suits raping the planet of all its material wealth, and thus inevitably leading the planet into an idealogical clash and, ultimately, into a thermonuclear holocaust. Oh, that, and a big fuck-off asteroid passing within a celestial midge's widge of Earth, something which astronomers should not have seen coming all those years ago.

So, where did it all go wrong? Am I that much of a "jonah" that, following my birth, everything turned to ratshit? This may well be the case. However, I am more inclined to blame the television chef Gordon Ramsay. If it all were my fault, I should bear the lines on my face which he does on his, and he should bear my baby-smooth skin. And I can make much better omelettes. 

Perhaps his mum should have kept her legs shut one cold, fateful February night in Glesca. If she had, The Everton Football Club Company Limited might have been Premier League Champions for the last 20 years. Or at least managed to keep hold of Sr. Mikel Arteta.

Are others boycotting Mr. Ramsay's restaurants due to the detrimental effect his birth had on the United Kingdom over the last 45 years?

Jam Tomorrow, part 95

Is it not astonishing, what one may encounter at a NFL fixture between Chicago Bears and Tampa Bay Buccaneers?

Well, well, well. It would appear that there is, possibly, some small degree of substance in the seemingly far-fetched tale of Indian businessmen seeking to invest a tranche of money in The Everton Football Club Company Limited, or, indeed, to take over the club completely. More cynical souls that I have suggested that the latest "saviours" have been conjured out of thin air in order to counter the opprobrium from supporter's groups angry at what is perceived as inertia on behalf of the current board of directors in divesting themselves of their interest in the football club; yet others, of an even more cynical bent, suggest that the club's pressing need to generate revenue via the means of sales of  half-season tickets are at the root of the story.

Except that there is something of a subtle difference this time around: Mr. William Kenwright CBE is rather quiet on the matter. Indeed, he went so far as to have his local mouthpiece, The Liverpool Daily Post and Echo, carry a story which was as close to a denial as one would ever get from the mercurial, avuncular chairman with a song in his heart, holes in his shoes and stale piss infused in his socks. Oh, and Uncle Cyril's handlebars wedged up his arse cheeks.

Whyever should he choose to do so? Why would he choose to disavow such a potentially lucrative rumour? Does he feel that the investors are simply not good enough for the "drunken knobhead" supporters of, and shareholders in, The Everton Football Club Company Limited? Does he smell a rat, as he supposedly did with the gentleman who was alleged to have attempted a takeover of the club from a one-bedroomed flat in Manchester?

Or, possibly... could it just be that these people are, in fact, serious players, with a serious interest in a major retail and infrastructure project in Liverpool, and they could realistically wrest Mr. Kenwright's fat, arthritic sausage fingers from around his precious train set if the seriousness of their intent ever became apparent? And that The Dear Leader is now trying to inveigle himself into a position where he is allowed to remain as some sort of figurehead, despite his catastrophic tenure as the chairman of the football club, in order to salvage his fragile "luvvie" ego (plus, of course, make a hefty profit on his shareholding)?

Has Mr. Kenwright's exhortation for supporters to "watch this space" returned to bite him on the arse? One can but hope. Especially now that The Everton Football Club Company Limited's first team squad find themselves in 17th position in the English Premier League, and could realistically find themselves in the bottom three in two weeks' time, such is the alarming lack of confidence, inspiration and ability in the side at present.

Do others sense that salvation, or administration, is now imminent?